fantasy pros and cons

Mentor: What about the present?

 

Man: The present? Well, obviously my present-day sex life is non-existent. Now, of course, I have the excuse of being middle-aged or beyond, and being borderline obese. In earlier times I blamed shyness and poverty. Of course, keeping sex in the head, and being fascinated with one's mind, can take its toll on the body. Neglect, disinterest. Your expectation of having something real happening, something that gives you more satisfaction than your fantasies, is so low that you can easily just let yourself go. Take that outré tub of lard, the Divine Marquis. 

 

Mentor: Yet Sade engaged in plenty of real, violent sex, in spite of his obesity, did he not?

Man: Nowhere near as much as he wrote about. And his writings were doubtless only a fraction of his fantasies. Nevertheless he did impose himself on others sexually, you're right about that. He argued that he had the right to use anybody as an object of his sexual pleasure, and that this was somehow natural, which of course is bullshit. You don't see too many animals fucking other animals to death, or whipping them to within an inch of their lives while masturbating feverishly, that's confined to humans, and very few of them. I've never had the gall to behave that way - not being one of the landed gentry.

 

Mentor: So you're content to continue with sex in the head?

 

Man: Certainly not. I'm very unhappy about it, but I see no obvious solution. 

 

Mentor: There are obvious solutions though, aren't there?

 

Man: You mean, going out and meeting women? Singles bars and that sort of thing? Are there really such things as singles bars by the way? If there are I'd be tempted to go to them, or I would've been before I got old and fat. 

 

Mentor: You’re not so old and fat, and there are many other ways to meet women. Special interest groups…

 

Man: Weight-watchers? Actually, I wonder if they have any sex addict meet-ups around town? No, I’m serious.

 

Mentor: Do you consider yourself a sex addict?

 

Man: Is it possible to be a celibate sex addict?

 

Mentor: Addicted to masturbation, yes, of course. 

Man: Well, I don't think I'm addicted to masturbation, frankly, I can do without it if I have to.

 

Of course, I never have to, so I don't. Do without, I mean.

 

Mentor: May I ask what you think about when you masturbate? 

 

Man: Better to ask who I think about. 

 

Mentor: Are you fixated on a particular person?

 

Man: At the moment, yes. It's not always that way, but it often is.

 

Mentor: Well I won't ask you about her. 

 

Man: Why not?

 

Mentor: It's more or less a given that a man becomes obsessed with a woman because he can't have her. So feeding the obsession isn't helpful. Let's talk about the kind of woman that attracts you in general.

 

Man: Very clever. But I will talk about her, I'll get there somehow. As to generalities, yes, let me take you back again, to my teen years, when I first thought about and fantasised about this.... 

skin and mind

Mentor: Just say whatever comes to mind - about love or sex or desire.

Man: Well, if you're not getting much in the way of sex, you tend to overvalue it.

Mentor: What about the Pope? I presume he doesn't get much sex. You think that holds true for him?

Man: Mmmm. I don't know. You're right to puncture my claim though. I watched a program once about a mathematical genius. He was homeless. He spent his life dossing down at the homes of other mathematicians, travelling around the country like that - in the USA I think - and collaborating with these other mathematicians to write papers. He had a record number of mathematical papers with his name on them. That was his life, pure mathematics. No sex whatsoever. It almost brings tears to my eyes, such innocence, if that's what it is. I can't recall a time when I didn't think of others sexually. It was happening even before I knew about sex. 

Mentor: How do you mean?

Man: I mean, I thought of girls, I thought of boys, and my penis got bigger and stiffer and defied gravity, but I didn't know a penis was for anything other than peeing. 

Mentor: So tell me about those early thoughts.

Man: I was drawn to kids with beautiful skin, it didn't matter whether they were male or female - it matters now incidentally, nowadays I'm exclusively heterosexual. I loved the look of it, their skin, its tautness over bone, its softness at the cheeks, the fine hair on arms. I loved the feel of it when we played together, the warmth of it, the shifting tones under different lights. I would stretch out in my bed and imagine the sheets were my playmates' skin. I wanted to hold them, to cuddle them, to lie with them skin to skin, just barely touching, or not, like breath. Actually they weren't my playmates, most of them. They were kids I wanted to be my playmates. 

Mentor: How old were you when you had these thoughts?

Man: Oh these are thoroughly unreliable memories, if not downright lies. No, not lies, but you know how time distorts. In other words, I can't answer that question.

Mentor: How did you feel about thinking this way? Did you feel guilty?

Man: Deliciously guilty no doubt. I do remember the intensity of the feeling at times, thinking how fantastic to be alive and to give yourself up to these sensations. They made me think of my amazing mind, how it can take something experienced and bring it back to life through memory and imagination, give it an even more extended, more intense life than it originally had. The mind - they call it the problem of consciousness - that was probably the first intellectual concept I grappled with - though of course, the mind wasn't a problem to me, more of a wonder. They should call it the wonder of consciousness. It was a great haven for me. My external life has always tended to pale in comparison.